Achluophobia

in response to a comment left on another post, I have decided to add this post as a page. below is the comment left by an anonymous reader…

“What about friends? Can you (I mean you personally) have friends that you don’t completely trust? And if so, do you really call them friends or how do you differentiate the ones you can totally do or say anything in front of and those that you slightly hold back? What about the Anglo friends that you know have prejudices against blacks & Mexicans but they don’t even know. How do you personally deal with that? What do you tell yourself? “It’s okay, they are generally a good person, they don’t realize it, its not their fault, it’s just how they were raised” and what do you tell your kids about racism and how does what you teach them about racism contradict how you really feel?”

“What about friends? Can you (I mean you personally) have friends that you don’t completely trust?”

for me, an easy answer. i don’t need to be surrounded by people. so, no. absolutely not. i refuse to seek companionship from people i don’t trust. complete trust is nearly impossible to accomplish, of course. i have a threshold of suspicion that i will tolerate within relationships, but once it has been breached and confirmed, i have no problem severing ties. i rarely feel an inkling of regret and no skin comes off of my ass. i’ve made a few write-offs this year and, to date, have felt no backlash. only peace with my decisions.

this is the reason i don’t have close friends and why i’m not married (that’s a whole other ball of wax). i have no interest in creating complex bonds in situations where i may not see permanence. i have a few friends whose quirks i am well aware of and they are unabashed about their own idiosyncracies. when people aren’t ashamed of their imperfections, i’m more inclined to trust that they will never attempt to project them on me. i’m hesitant to call them flawed, but it isn’t an insult. we all are perfectly flawed. for the most part, the only friends i come close to ideal trust with are the one’s i have carried with me out of childhood. the reason for this is simple. we knew one another when we were still to young to hide ourselves. they don’t hide themselves from me or display any sort of pre-packaged deal they give others. i find it very difficult to trust people who don’t know or like themselves. because of this minimalist approach to relationships, the second part of the question follows closely, “And if so, do you really call them friends or how do you differentiate the ones you can totally do or say anything in front of and those that you slightly hold back?”

There is no “if so” or differentiation. no categories or pyramids. they are simply not friends. They are acquaintances, relationships akin to co-workers, other soccer moms, PTA associates, the friendly corner store cashier. If I have to hold back some part of who I am in order to avoid your potential judgment, then there is clearly no trust. If I can’t speak freely, or do not allow you to speak freely, then we are not friends. If I have an inclination to pass judgment on you, I am not your friend. If I decide that you are anything other than parallel as a human being, then i probably have no intention of having a relationship. there is cruelty in the truth…  i can discuss the weather everyday with the homeless man at the intersection near work, but he will never be my friend. you can pour your heart out to a priest in confession every week, but he will never be your friend.

What about the Anglo friends that you know have prejudices against blacks & Mexicans but they don’t even know. How do you personally deal with that? What do you tell yourself? “It’s okay, they are generally a good person, they don’t realize it, its not their fault, it’s just how they were raised”

hmm. my first thought is “so…are they friends with me because they think i’m some sort of special Mexican that is an exception to the general rule of how Mexicans usually are” and i would be offended to be considered a friend. again, there are no categories, i would not consider this a friend. but i do have a thought or two about prejudice and relating to people. first, it’s important to be aware of one’s own prejudices when swimming in the melting pot. no one is without them. and more common than prejudices, are the preconceptions and assumptions we bring with us. i have plenty of preconceptions and assumptions about White folks. and those generalizations tend to slip on down the slope to “prejudice.” when it comes to money or legal issues, there isn’t an older white man that i could possibly feel sorry for, no matter how dire the circumstance. in the words of Chris Rock “you had a 400 year head start, motherfucker.” but, in my own approach to life, everything boils down to the individual. and i try very hard to bring a blank slate to the table when meeting new people.  growing up in somewhat affluent areas, even though we weren’t rich by any stretch, provided me with immersion into one world. meanwhile, being bussed out to the projects for middle school meant i got to see the other side of that game. What do you tell yourself? “It’s okay, they are generally a good person, they don’t realize it, its not their fault, it’s just how they were raised” White, Black, Mexican. there are goddamned idiots everywhere. Whites get a bad rap for being racist because it’s hard to hide the massive injustices of the past. Blacks and Mexicans dislike each other just as much. there may be some camaraderie since Whites are the common enemy, but without that, they’d go after each other. Jews, Asians, Italians, Arabs, everyone. they all complain about each other. and yes, of course it’s their fault. i know people in their 70s and 80s who drop “nigger” (or it’s Spanish equivalent “mayate”) without blinking. admittedly, i usually laugh out of shock. i can forgive the VERY elderly their ways because their ways only have a little longer to keep hold on this world. but with globalization and technology and social/cultural awareness, no one truly has the luxury or excuse of ignorance or intolerance anymore. don’t even get me started on the “religious” end of all of this. and even with all these tools and learning experiences available to me through my education and exposure, i’m still learning about and actively practicing sensitivity. i dropped the N word once in my life (AND ONLY ONCE), out of anger. i was 19 and flung it at a pizza guy during a verbal altercation. i felt guilty the minute i chose to use it and thereafter. the guilt came from the fact that i despise the word and could not believe that i had gone against my own principle. i still commend the young man who did nothing but slam the door in my face. sometimes i catch myself on the verge of throwing out comments or slurs, some directed at my own minority. but then i try to remember who the bystanders are and my personal fondness of individuals. so yes, each person’s ignorance is his own fault.

“and what do you tell your kids about racism and how does what you teach them about racism contradict how you really feel?”

i’m always ready to receive my bad-mother-of-the-century award. i allow my children to witness my social behaviors. cursing, road rage, gossip, domestic bickering, whatever.  since i allow it, it gives me a check and balance on being aware of my own ugliness. firstly, part of allowing them to see me as I am (and not how I hope they’ll remember me) is me hoping that they will understand that we can reach for ideals, but we will always fall short, but that we should never stop trying.  second, i try very hard to give my children exposure to all cultures. by doing this i hope to instill in them the kind of fascination and appreciation that leads to respect. it’s all an experiment, really. i won’t know until they’re grown what has and has not worked. if i’m watching the History channel and a show about Nazi concentration camps or Japanese American concentration camps or southern lynchings comes on, i’m not changing it just based on subject matter. if i see that the content and imagery is violent or traumatic for my 10 and 4 year old children, i’ll change it. but if it’s mostly discussion and archival photographs, i’ll allow them to sit and watch and ask questions. i understand filtering information for children, but i do not understand censoring it. a child’s mind and heart are much more open, and less fearful, than when they are mature. if you want to instill understanding and compassion, you have to be seeking it yourself.