feeling impatient. feeling like i’m not doing the things that i’m supposed to be doing in this life. but a perpetual YET hangs around and shoves me into prickly hedges of anticipation, excitement, and loathing.
also feeling like i’m on a wait list. yes, you will fulfill mission. nope, not your turn yet. whisping through my awareness, gentle as barbed reeds, saying ”you have not developed to your potential because of circumstances out of your control and you will have to catch up when the time is right. you have no choice but to learn patience, so be patient. the present is not ready for you and you are not ready for the future.”
all this feeling makes me tired. i’m a thinker. and sometimes i think “why does your mission have to be so grave and why do you think you have something really big to accomplish? you’re not that special. only a few are and the probabilities play out with you leading an obedient and average life.” then my other shoulder angel says “fuck that attitude, wuss. if you weren’t meant to do big, you wouldn’t feel the incessant need to work yourself within an inch of your life to get there.”
i’ve gotten to a point where i don’t care if people think i’m eccentric or granola or whatever. i’ve inherited my mother’s odd peculiarities… being redundant for instance. for fuck’s sake, i live i austin. if i can’t blend here then i can’t do it anywhere so i need to get over it. i don’t stick out in a crowd visually, but that’s why i have tried to apply the motto “don’t talk until its necessary and/or for my own amusement”
in my own opinion, and i don’t intend to seek a second, i’ve almost completed my first degree of self-actualization. but i don’t buy the heirarchy, maslow’s or anyone else’s. i think it’s a fluid life and thus, self-mastery is a fluid state. the challenge lies in maintaining actualization in the midst of flux. it’s not linear. linear movement is deceiving. peaks and troughs. spirals and implosions. waves and chutes. no ladders.
